


he just comes to visit me when I'm dreaming every now and then

by annhamilton



Category: MCU, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Dreams, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, tony and ben are in Peter's dreams
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-28 12:49:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18756763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annhamilton/pseuds/annhamilton
Summary: For Peter, there are good days when he forgets about it for a while and then there are bad days when he feels like he’s crumbling to ash and he swears he can feel death creeping up on him. Then there are days when he finally gets himself to sleep and Tony visits him.He dreamt that Tony was back. He swears it feels so real.





	he just comes to visit me when I'm dreaming every now and then

**Author's Note:**

> title from ariana grande's ghostin

Peter has to remind himself sometimes to breathe. To breathe as other kids compare notes on dying and what they felt. The general consensus is that they all felt like they had passed out, it was painful but, for them, over quickly. Coming back was like waking up but five years had passed.

May hadn’t disappeared. Sometimes Peter catches her looking at him like he’s a ghost. He felt like one when he first walked into his room. It was covered in a layer of dust and untouched for five years.

She couldn’t bring herself to throw any of it away, to even go through anything. Peter was thankful.

Ned was snapped out of existence, so was MJ, so was Flash and many other students, a little under exactly half. Sometimes Peter can still hear Thanos’ voice in the wind. See him in the shadows. Ned helps to ground him. May does too and Peter throws himself into school faster than he should and back to Spider-Man even if when he first puts on the Iron Spider suit he’s thankful for the mask.

Besides his identity, he wears a mask so no one can see his emotions. His fear most of all at the beginning. Now he hides his sadness well.

May tells him again and again. When he leaves she holds him tight and always says ‘you don’t have to do this’.  When she waits up for him she says it again and Peter always answers with the same words ‘if I don’t, then who will’.

Peter hasn’t slept more than a few hours in two days, he can’t bear the nightmares that haunt his dreams, the huge battle on the broken Earth, Titan and the quiet that overtook the barren plant, the eerie feeling, the tingle—more like a burn, a bite, demanding he focused—of his spidey senses before people started to disappear. Mr. Stark being stabbed and then him on his knees, the Iron Gauntlet around his hand.

For a few days that's what his dreams were filled with, twisted versions of it and crumbling to ash. Flashes of destruction. Death and more death and his childhood heroes fallen to bring everyone back. He tries not to bother May with his nightmares, she has some of her own and Peter doesn’t want her to know he had enough time to beg. He fought it off long enough to fall into Mr. Stark’s arms.

He goes through the motions for a few days, he tries to forget, to move on with his life but the nightmares stop him from ever forgetting. He wants to just move on. He distances himself from everyone, he knows he doing it, knows it hurting Ned, and May, but it hurts too much to remember, the even think of Mr. Stark without the crippling pain and guilt.

He keeps dreaming and tonight it’s the worst one.

* * *

 

_ Not the dark battlefield that was tinted in blues and blacks of the sky, not the orange and red of the ruined planet. It’s a bright white lab, tables filled with gadgets and circuits. Holograms and even old fashioned papers and whiteboards are covered in writing. Tony sat in a chair, he stared at Peter—who was standing like a statue.   _

_ At first glance, Peter saw the burned Iron Gauntlet and charred skin covering his arm and on to his check. Peter blinked and Tony was in a faded Led Zeppelin T-shirt and jeans like he wore when they would tinker. _

_ “Hey, kid,” Tony said and he smiled. Peter couldn’t speak, he slowly lowered himself to sit opposite of Tony, then the table between them vanished and Tony reached out and ran his hand over Peter’s arm. Like he was checking if Peter was real. Sometimes Peter wasn't sure himself. _

_ “Mr. Stark,” Peter whispered like if he spoke too loudly it would all fall to ash or burnt remains. _

_ “I’m here,” Tony said and he took Peter’s hand and put it on his chest, where Pepper had her hand a week ago. He held tightly onto Peter’s wrist, Peter’s hand was light—terrified of going through the ghost. _

_ “You’re dead.” _

_ Tony chuckled and loosened his hold on Peter’s wrist. “You’re back,” Tony pointed back. _

_ “But you’re dead,” Peter said and Tony just watched him with dark eyes that never missed anything. “I still need you.” _

_ Tony smiled sadly again. “I know it feels like that but you don’t need me. I needed you back.” _

_ “But you died doing it.” _

_ Tony shrugged. “I’m sorry.” _

_ Peter hung his head and let his fingers feel the threadbare shirt and the false beating heart. _

_ “You’ll be okay, kid,” Tony said and he stood up and gently pulled Peter up with him. He wrapped Peter in a hug, so like the two on a battlefield before death came. _

_ “Please don’t go,” Peter begged as he held on tightly to his mentor. _

_ “I’m here, Peter,” Tony said and Peter expected one or both of them to fall and crumble but they stayed there holding onto each other. _

_ “But you’re not.” _

_ Tony said nothing as he pulled back and smoothed a hand over Peter’s face, he wiped the tears from Peter’s face that he hadn’t noticed were there. Peter couldn’t say anything when Tony leaned forward to press a kiss to his forehead.   _

_ “It’s okay, kid.” _

_ Peter couldn’t find the words he just held on to Tony with hands gripping at his back and shoulders. _

_ “It’s okay. It was worth it.” _

* * *

 

Peter jolted awake and the tears the streamed down his face was far worse than any scream. He got out of bed running on instinct he opened May’s bedroom door, she was awake already, maybe she never had slept.

“Oh, honey,” she said and held open her arms.

Peter buried himself in her arms and laid down in her bed. He hadn’t done this since he was a kid. Tears journeyed from his face to her shoulder.

“I saw him, talked to him, it was like he was there.”

She pressed him closer to her and some of her hair fell loose from her scrunchie and like a veil it fell over Peter’s head. He hid under the veil of hair and under the covers. It hurt more to think of him. To see him. Talk to him. It made memories Peter wanted to forget come crawling back.

* * *

 

_ “Is it really you?” Peter asked. He felt like a child. Felt like when he hoped they were wrong and his parents would come back. He had no hope for Ben since he saw the bullet sail through the air but he still carried Ben's words and legacy with him every day.  _

_ “Does it matter.” It’s not an answer but Peter doesn’t push. They're in the lab again, Iron Suits line the walls and they sit on the floor, both in MIT sweatshirts. He can’t wrap his head around all of this. _

_ “You saved my life you know,” Peter had always wanted to tell Tony about this but never found a way to work it in. _

_ “Hmm?” Tony’s undivided attention was on him and Tony wrapped an arm around Peter’s shoulders. The echo of a touch that Tony would always do. _

_ “When I was a kid—” _

_ “You’re still a kid—” _

_ “Younger, like nine,” Peter took a deep breath and rested his head against Tony’s sternum. “I went to a Stark Expo, it was the greatest thing that I’ve ever been too, I had begged Ben and May for forever, turns out the whole time they had already bought me tickets but wanted it to be a birthday surprise. I was so happy to see Iron Man and then the Hammer drones or robots or whatever attacked.” _

_ “God. Kid, of course, you would have been getting into trouble as young as nine.” _

_ Peter tucked himself closer to Tony. It’s painful when Peter reminds himself that he saw Tony die, in the Iron arms of Rhodey as Pepper’s hand rested over his heart. Peter hadn’t been able to look any longer. _

_ “I had on an Iron Man helmet and a little fake repulsor and when the drones attacked I froze and I just wanted to save people so I didn’t run I just held up my arm like I was firing then you came behind me and shot the drone and said, ‘nice job, kid.” _

_ “Peter,” Tony whispered and his hand came up and tangled in Peter’s curls, it played with Peter’s hair. Tony had always had a kind touch to Peter, a mechanics hand, careful and precise. “You should try to stay out of trouble.” _

_ “You never do.” _

_ “I did. I did. I settled down with Pep. Had Morgan, tried to stay away from trouble but it found me and I let it take me.” _

_ “How?” _

_ “To bring everyone back. To get you back.” _

_ “I know,” Peter said and he tried to figure out what he was feeling. “But how do you do it. Risk everything and keep going after—” Peter stopped before he would choke on a sob. _

_ Tony held onto him. “Sometimes it just has to be done.” _

* * *

 

He didn’t crawl into May’s bed this time. He just sat in his bed trying to make sense of everything. He left his room, he needed a snack before patrolling.

All the lights were out but even after five years of little changes and a few bumps on the hip, Peter made it to the kitchen. May sat at the kitchen island, a packet of crackers opened in front of her beside a glass of water.

She looked startled to see him but her eyes asked all the questions before her lips could form the words.

Peter sat down across from her and stole a cracker. “I dreamed about Mr. Stark again, we talked. It—for some reason hurts more than the others.”

She smiled and reached across the table to take his hand. “Can you tell me what happened to you. Stark came by after he said you died in his arms, but nothing else. I think if you tell me what happened I can help you sort through your emotions...and the other nightmares.”

They’d never talked about it. “You go first.”

“Okay. That's fair. I had five years to get over it, but no one seemed to have really moved on. I was working a shift when it happened. People were turning to dust around me and others were screaming. I just watched in horror and I just knew that you’d gone too...I felt it. The worst part was the waiting. Waiting for them to tell us what happened. Waiting to see if who was next. Waiting for you to come back. That’s what I dream about that moment of quiet and you not coming back,” she sniffed and wiped a stray tear away. “You don’t have to tell me, honey. But I think it will help a little.”

Peter took another cracker and ate it. “I can’t.” He didn't want to think about it. He just wanted to forget.

“It’s okay,” she squeezed his hand and shoved the crackers in his direction. “Take the time you need.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

The next few days he had almost normal nightmares, dust, blood, and screams and flashes of horrors.

* * *

 

_ Peter looked around, he was on the edge of the building that faced the open water in Staten Island, it was dark and the streetlights and people’s open windows lit the area. The tall buildings in the distance and t it was frozen. No one moved, no cars, no yelling, no boats. _

_ The Spider-Man suit  was still a little wet from being splashed and it clung tightly to his skin,(not the pajamas as Tony called them the other suit), flashes of the ferry being ripped apart when he was back to the edge, sitting on the concrete border of the building, Tony stood in front of him. An empty suit was open behind him. _

_ Peter didn’t want the suit to be taken away like it was before. He shot up and stood on the floor that wrapped around the crown of the building. Tony didn’t look mad. He braced his hands on the cement half-wall. _

_ “I don’t want you to be like me,” Tony said and he turned to look at Peter, his dark eyes were clear and burning into Peter. Tony ran a hand over his face. “God. Every time you would mention how much you looked up to me—how you wanted to be like me—I couldn’t take it.” _

_ “You’re a hero.” _

_ “Not always,” Tony stepped closer, his head slightly tilted to the side and he gave a small shake of the head. “I’ve made terrible mistakes.” _

_ “You’ve made up for them,” Peter said and he couldn’t stop the flashes of Tony on his knees, charred metal and skin alike. “You’re still my hero,” Peter held Tony’s gaze and pressed his lips together, there was nothing left to say. _

_ “You’re better than I am. Then I was.” _

_ “No, I’m not,” Peter looked around at the frozen area. The quiet was only broken by their breathing. “I can’t even sleep without nightmares.” _

_ “And you think I can.” _

_ “I think you’re Iron Man and I’m just Peter Parker.” _

_ Tony shook his head. Peter blinked and the Iron Gauntlet with six glowing gems was fitted around his hand. He was in the Iron Man suit too, the nanobots were banged up and damaged from battle and his head unprotected so Peter could see the look in his eyes. _

_ Not fear. Acceptance and a hint of sadness. Peter stepped back and dropped his head so the ghost couldn’t see his tears. “I’m want to say something and you’re going to listen. Can I?” _

_ “No,” Peter said. Once he said his peace he would leave, the would use the Infinity Stones and Peter would have to watch him die, like Uncle Ben, he would crumble and it was all to save people, including him.   _

_ “That was just courtesy. I’m gonna tell you anyway.” _

_ Peter looked up and couldn’t move. Not when Uncle Ben stood next to Tony and the quiet view of the ocean bleed, fell apart and they were on the street that Peter knew as well as the back of his hand. _

_ Buildings pressed on either side, shops with bright lights and neon signs. Peter was scared that if he looked down he would see a puddle of blood on the pavement. _

_ “It’s okay, Peter,” Ben said, his voice gentle as he placed a hand on Peter’s shoulder. “I would listen to what he has to say.” _

_ Peter reached up and curled his fingers around Ben’s wrist, the skin was rough like always and speckled with hair. “Okay,” Peter said in a weak voice. _

_ “I’m proud of you, kid,” Tony said and he and Ben shared a look. “And we—” _

_ But Peter wouldn’t be able to hear what they think, the Iron Gauntlet powered up and with a blinding glow and click of Tony’s fingers it burned Ben and Tony, it ripped flesh from bone and blood spilled through the crusted skin and dripped over the skin and fell onto the pavement. _

_ A flash of black, a gun in the puddle of blood and Peter dropped to his knees with a cry, he reached and reached but he could never grip onto Ben. Peter turned to Tony, his hero, and his idol, just in time to see him fade to dust. His fingertips turned to ash an inch before Peter’s shoulder. _

* * *

 

He woke up with a jolt and covered in sweat that felt like blood. Peter checked to make sure it was just a dream, no blood covered his pants and his hands were clean too. Peter sat in the dark for a long time, until his alarm went off in the morning. He just sat, pondering and mourning; why wouldn’t the dreams stop. 

_ “I love you 3,00,” Tony whispered in the quiet of the log house he had made a home in the five years. It was dark and only a small light lit the room, Peter stared out the window as the moonlight hit the water that flowed around Tony’s house. Peter tried not to feel like he was at a funeral. _

_ He turned away and the living room came into his focus, they sat on the crip couch facing the TV and Peter couldn’t look at Tony. He remembered Morgan whispering those same words last time he was here. _

_ “Don’t say that. I know you’re not really him.” _

_ “Am I?” Tony said and he gentle forced Peter’s head to the side to look at him. “There are those Bambi eyes.” He smiled, the creases at his eyes became sharper and he looked older than Peter remembered. “Do you think I don’t mean it.” _

_ “I mean that’s you and your daughter's thing,” Peter explained he wanted to look away but didn’t. It was almost painful to watch the moment when Tony understood what he meant. _

_ “I see you as a son, Peter.” _

* * *

 

_ Peter was shaking, the battle raged on where the Avengers Compound used to be, the wide plain covered in dark and fighters, swords, knives, and every other weapon was used in the battle. Armour covered the heros, familiar and unfamiliar to Peter but and the bad guys were coming in hoards, faceless opponents. Tony fought his way towards him. Both were clad in suits of Iron, Peter gasped when Tony pulled him in for a hug. _

_ “I missed you,” Tony said in his ear and clutched at him. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” _

_ “Why?” _

_ “I lost you.” _

_ “I don’t know if I can be Spider-Man anymore,” Peter told the dream Tony as they sat on the ruined expanse of Titian. _

_ “Then don’t.” _

_ “But someone has to do it,” Peter hung his head. “I just don’t know what to do.” _

_ “What is it you said to me,” Tony urged him to say the words Peter couldn’t say without heartbreak. The words he lived by. “With great power, comes great responsibility.” _

_ “I know, but my powers are nothing compared to others. To what’s out there.” _

_ “Those aren’t your true powers.” _

_ “Then what are?” _

_ “Your goodness, your heart. And some strength and agility never hurt anyone.” _

* * *

 

_ “What are you scared of, Peter,” Tony asked. The ground was so far below them but Peter didn’t mind, he was safe in Iron Man’s arms. The suit encased his mentor, save for the head that he left exposed.   _

_ “I don’t know.” _

_ “Yes you do,” Tony said with such conviction that Peter knew he had some idea of what it was. “You can tell me.” _

_ “I can’t. I don’t know what it is.” _

_ “Oh, Peter,” Tony hugged him closer, Peter’s head was tucked against the Arc Reactor and his body against the Iron Suit. “We both know that's a lie.” _

* * *

 

_ Peter was trapped, the heap of concrete unrelenting above him, the old suit can’t call for help, webs can’t get him from this ruble. He cried out and screamed. Blood was wet on his back and all over him. _

_ "Kid it's alright," Tony said and came out of nowhere, the Iron Man suit covered all but his head. He crouched down in front of Peter. His eyes scanned the fallen building. "just breathe." _

_ "Stop coming in my dreams," Peter snapped, he saw Tony flinch but he didn't care right now. Tony wasn't really here. "I just want to forget. To move on." _

_ "What are you scared of?" Tony asked instead of fighting back. He watched Peter for a moment, expectant and nonmoving. _

_ Peter didn't answer. He gathered his strength, pulled his rattled limbs up, they trembled but lifted the rubble. Peter knew it was going to happen before it did, his senses were going crazy. He braced himself for the crashing tons of rubble. _

_ None came. Tony had lifted it for him, he tossed it to the side like it was nothing. _

_ Peter felt exposed in the ripped suit. His senses were still going crazy, the hair stood up on his arms and neck. He collapsed on the remaining pile of broken concrete. Blood soaked through his suit and his hands were cut up and covered in blood. _

_ "If it is really you please stop coming to see me," Peter begged. "It hurts too much." _

_ "So you can just forget," Tony said. He was calm and composed the opposite of Peter, who was seconds away from tears. "You know that's not how you get over it. You can't just push it down  and get over to." _

_ "So you want me to wallow in sadness," Peter yelled, he gripped at his hair. It was all too much. _

_ "You know that's not what I meant." _

_ "Yes, it is," Peter managed through gritted teeth. _

_ “No, it’s not.” _

_ Peter laid down on the broken rubble, unable to move, tiredness in his bones. “I don’t care. I’ve already lost so many people.” _

_ “I know.” _

_ “I don’t know what to do.” _

_ “I know.” _

_ “Then help me.” _

_ “I can only do so much,” Tony crouched down next to Peter. “But you can, to heal you have to confront your fears,” Tony smiled sadly. “What are you scared of Peter?” _

_ “I don’t know,” Peter mumbled he didn’t resist when Tony gently pulled him from the rubble. He blinked and when he opened his eyes he was home, the apartment he’s lived in for most of his life, sitting on the couch with Tony on one side and Ben on the other. _

_ Two people Peter’s almost forgotten their faces are there, sitting on armchairs on either side of the couch. They both have brown hair and white skin the same as Peter, they both are smiling and watching the couch. _

_ “Stay with me,” Peter begged. “Please, I don’t want you to go.” _

_ “Oh Peter,” Ben said, he put a hand on Peter’s shoulder and turned so they were looking at each other, he and Ben shared the same brown eyes (and his dad) and he smiled at Peter. Not a full smile but genuine and a flash of teeth. “We love you.” _

_ “But,” his dad said and he and the others shared a look. “You can’t just push it all away.” _

_ “Peter,” Ben and Tony said together. “What are you scared of.” _

_ “I don’t know.” _

_ “Yes you do,” Ben said. “I’ve always been scared I was going to mess up parenting.” _

_ “I’m scared…” he looked to Tony and his parents and found nothing but soft eyes watching him. “I’m scared I won’t stop feeling...this….guilt.” _

_ “Forgetting won’t make that happen, kid,” Tony said, he looked old again, the tips of grey in his hair and creases in his face but mostly his eyes that held the weight of the world. “It’s going to hurt more when it all comes back.” _

_ “It’s the only way to get through a day.” _

_ “Sometimes you can’t get through a day,” Tony said, his voice rose a little with passion but he wasn’t yelling. “Sometimes you just have to stop, you have to go back to move on.” _

_ “It hurts.” _

_ “I know.” _

_ “I don’t want to hurt anymore.” _

_ “It’s going to take time, kid.” _

_ “I’ve already lost so much time.” _

_ Tony stared at Peter and pulled him into a hug. Peter gripped him like he was crumbling to dust. “I know,” he breathed into Peter’s ear. “I know.” _

* * *

 

“Peter,” Morgan said, she looked up at him from where he awkwardly stood in her room. “Daddy would talk about you all the time.”

Peter dropped to a crouch so he wouldn’t feel like he was looming. “What did he say?”

“He said that you’d’ve been my brother,” Morgan said, her innocent eyes stared up at him. She was weighed down by the loss but was coping, probably properly, using Pepper’s support and not trying to forget everything.

“Can I still be like a brother to you?”

“Yeah.”

* * *

 

Peter took a bite of his cheeseburger, Happy sat beside him in the drivers set of the car, his burger rested in his lap, still in the paper.

“You doin’ okay?” Happy asked, still not touching his burger.

Peter shrugged. “Trying to forget isn’t working.”

“Yeah Tony would do that do,” Happy said he carefully unwrapped his burger. “It doesn’t work.”

“I know,” Peter set his burger down on his lap to watch Happy. “I’ve been working on opening up to May and... and...not just pushing it all down.”

“Good,” Happy said. He held the cheeseburger and just stared at it. “You know the first thing Tony asked for when he came back from Afghanistan was a cheeseburger,” Happy shook his head. “I couldn’t even be mad because he was back.”

“How have you been doing.”

“I’m working through it. I hear him in my ear all the time, assuring me that yes, Iron Man needs a security guard and to stay alert even though that's what he paid me for, even to look after the Spider-Baby.”

They were quiet for a few moments. They ate and breathed in the fresh air from the open car windows.

“You know, you and Tony both have guilt complexes the size of Texas.”

“How did he deal with it.”

Happy stilled and thought for a few moments.“He leaned on Pepper and tired his best to save everyone, he did as much as he could. We can’t feel guilty he did it for forever. We can honor his memory.”

* * *

 

“I had longer than everyone else,” Peter ripped at the napkin, the crackers were between them at the kitchen table, tea steamed beside them. May watched him with kind eyes. “I had enough time to fall into Mr. Starks arms and beg….” Peter couldn’t say anymore, he felt like he was fading again. He dug his nails into his palm to feel real. Not like the ghosts that haunt his dreams.

May took his hand and removed his nails from his palm. “It’s okay, you’re here.”

“My last words before is turned to dust where; I’m sorry.”

“I know,” she said. “He would have already blamed himself.”

“But that didn’t help.”

“It is what it is.”

“May,” Peter squeezed his hand. “How can I live with that. He died to save everyone, to save me. How can I honor him when it hurts to even think about him. To put on the Spider-Man suit.”

“Take it one day at a time,” May said. “Just live, Peter, that's what he wanted, not for you to be the next Iron Man. Take the time you need, from school, from Spider-Man, whatever you need to recover.”

“What if I can’t recover?”

“Things are never the same after a tragedy but it will get easier. I promise.”

Things did get easier, he took some time off from school, three days of time with May (who took off from work) they talked and for a while they got nowhere, Peter talked himself in circles, the blame for Ben’s death, for Tony’s. May confronted him, with words of wisdom and just holding him.

There was something Peter couldn’t quite tell her but she had a feeling what they all were. She knew they hurt and Peter needed her and that was enough. Peter sees Tony everywhere, but he doesn’t push it away when he thinks of Tony.

He just remembers and every time he catches a bad guy he thinks Tony would be proud. The dreams don’t stop but Peter can bear them most of the time, when he can’t he comes to May, guilty for waking her but he needs her.

The dreams of talking to Tony stop for a while, so when they do come back. He’s caught off guard.

* * *

 

_ It a white landscape, fuzzy on the edges and Tony is wearing a three-piece suit and Peter is in jeans and a science pun shirt. They stood watching each other. _

_ Tony smiled and reached to put a hand on his shoulder. “Is it getting better?” _

_ “Yeah.” _

_ Peter stepped forward and wrapped himself around Tony. “I don’t want you to go anymore.” _

_ “I know,” Tony gripped at Peter, his hands dug into Peter’s back. “I’ll always be with you.” _

_ Peter didn’t doubt it. _

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys, a hopeful ending as promised. i cried during endgame and my dad (whos only seen CM) was like??? but he loved endgame. 
> 
> im hyped for ffh, the trailer dropped in the middle of writing this fic. thank you reading this, leave kudos is you liked it or comment if you want to yell or say what you liked. i cherish all of it.


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